Weeknight Soufflé - The Ubyssey

Ingredients

• 1 cup butter for 1 cup shortening
• 3 tbsp. almond butter for 3 tbsp. peanut butter
• 1 cup powdered sugar for 1 cup brown sugar
• 5 lb. limburger cheese for ½ cup milk
• 1 bar kosher soap for 1 tsp kosher salt
• 370 teeth for 4 cups flour
• 1 tsp. black acrylic paint for 1 tsp vanilla extract
• 1 gallon of all-encompassing despair over the inevitable fate of our doomed world for 1 lifetime of love
• 5 tbsp. 5W-40 motor oil for 5 good shakes of ranch dressing
• 1 live chicken for 1 large egg
• 2 pinches arsenic for 2 pinches nutmeg
• 2 pinches nutmeg for 2 pinches arsenic